Joffe: Every Gambler’s Bucket List

A week ago, a large contingent of people with too much disposable income scratched something off their sports bucket list by watching the final round of the Masters in person. I'll be honest: I never quite got the allure of paying thousands of dollars to watch a golf tournament. But then I watched the Masters in full for the first time ever and couldn't have flip-flopped faster. Just take all of my money.

Anywho, despite what you might read in some corners of the internet, gamblers are people, too, and we have bucket lists just like everyone else. Sure, everyone wants to hit a gigantic dog bet, which I've done thanks to my #degen status. (My favorite winner: +26500 on Howard over UNLV back in September. Don't judge.) Here are the other bets we live to cash.

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Win a 50/50 at a game

In June 2016, I went to Chicago for a weekslong stay with my best friend. We went straight from the airport to a Chicago White Sox game (my first ever). Now I’m not sure if it was the Xanax from the plane ride or the beer, but when the 50/50 charity people came around, I was feeling reaaaaaal generous. I think I bought about $100 worth of numbers and 100% waited to lose.

Well, I won … on my very first try.

(I know, I'm the worst.)

Of course, I’ve tried to duplicate my 50/50 luck at games many times since. I know this is going to shock you, but I haven't had much success. While hitting one was nice, I sure wish it was this one …

Win a multileg ATS parlay

Now, I'm not talking about my idiotic parlays, which become a fun game of "what’s the most money I’m allowed to get paid out by this book." Those are basically a bunch of +25000 bets all combined together. (Yes, I'm aware this is not a sound strategy. No, I will not stop doing it.)

I’m talking about parlays like the one below, where you combine multiple game spreads into one bet (no teasers) and hit them all.

The most successful bettors in the world don’t come close to hitting 100% even on their best day. But that hasn't stopped me from trying. I may or may not have done a seven-team round-robin parlay with MLB first-inning "no hit" bets recently. No dice. I'll keep chasing, though. I'm a huge fan of low-risk, high-reward bets. It's called gambling for a reason, right?

Go to the Kentucky Derby and pull a Welker

I think I’ve been to a horse track once or twice in my life, but I’ve bet on the ponies plenty. I’m the one trying to come up with every longshot trifecta combination, which, believe it or not, has actually worked a few times. I’ve never been to the big one — the Kentucky Derby — but like many others, it’s up there on my list. The way I figure, since my horse betting knowledge is limited to begin with and I’m mostly guessing anyway, I’ll go down to Kentucky, wear a huge hat, bet on my favorite-sounding horse names and attempt to do my best Wes Welker impression.

When I inevitably lose, I won’t care because I’ll be on my 10th mint julep.

Hit the Jackpot on a slot machine

This one is near and dear to my heart. Ever since I first stepped foot in a casino, I've been drawn to slot machines. I’m fully aware that the odds are not in my favor. But the thought of putting a measly coin into a machine, seeing all the lights and sounds, and — bam! — having BAR BAR BAR flash before my eyes is too good to pass up. All the money I've ever lost is worth it for that rush. I mean, it's not, but damn if it doesn’t feel amazing to hit a big pot.

Winning the “Jackpot” is most certainly on my gambling bucket list, and from the looks of many casinos and their patrons, I could very well go my entire life and never see it. I’m still going to try, though.

My most recent Vegas trip yielded the slot machine winner below. And yes, we were so proud that we took a picture, because Lord knows we gave the money right back.