Super Bowl Props That Vegas Should Post But Definitely Won’t

Who doesn't love a good prop bet? Lord knows I'll wager on anything — Little League World Series, anyone? — but put a tasty prop in front of me and I can't help myself. Just take my money. All of it.

This week, I've already bet on Pink's National Anthem (over, of course), a few long-shot MVPs (Foles and Gronk … Bear Down!), and Janet Jackson making a surprise halftime appearance (come onnnnn 200-1!). Oh, and I'm not done yet. They're offering 50-1 that a sex toy will be thrown on the field. No way I can pass that up with so many Philly fans in the house.

But the truth is, we haven't even scratched the surface in the world of Super Bowl props. (Yes, I write that with a straight face after just citing a real, live sex toy prop.)

A PSA to bookmakers everywhere: If you want more of my money, it's time to listen up. Here are some more props I'd bet on … if only someone would let me.

How many times will Cris Collinsworth mansplain football to me during the broadcast?

Unlike his NBC partner Al Michaels, Collinsworth doesn’t comment on the spreads very much, but he has mastered the art of overcomplicating football. One of his new favorites is repeating the term "RPO" and explaining what a "Run-Pass Option" is. He’s like when my sister first learned what the word “virgin” was when she was a kid. She just had to find a way to bring it up in every conversation no matter how unnecessary. "You’ve never had a ‘Day and Night Barbie’? That means you’re a virgin.” … “I’ve never been on Space Mountain, so I’m a virgin."

The pick: Not sure you can set this line high enough. You can always count on Cris to harp a few sentences too long on an obvious ruling, and the Super Bowl stage will bring out his best/worst.

Which will happen more on Super Sunday: Horses punched by Philly fans OR Philly fans punched by poles?

I have no idea what would inspire a person to think they would have any luck winning a fight with a horse, but it seems like it's become a “thing” at Eagles games. I’m also fairly certain that a man would lose any and every fight with a pole. But nevertheless, whether it’s trying to climb a greased pole or literally running into one, Eagles fans don’t really care.

The pick: Personally, I hope man gets punched more than horses do. I mean, we are talking about Philly fans. Karma's a bitch.

Which injury will get more coverage during the broadcast: Tom Brady’s hand or Carson Wentz’s ACL.

I was kind of off the grid this past weekend, and was not following much of anything (side note: Miami has an actual 24/7 nightclub), but I definitely heard about some crazy Tom Brady hand injury before Sunday’s game. Since that is all the media was talking about before kickoff, I legitimately thought Tom’s hand was falling off and had to be sewn back on. Turns out, he only needed a few stitches, and it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. Carson Wentz, on the other hand, tore his ACL in Week 14 and had to miss the remainder of the season. His injury was supposed to signify the end of any hope for the Eagles. Thankfully an Arizona alum (Nick Foles) was waiting in the wings, or Philly would've really been screwed.

The pick: Seems like a no-brainer, right? ACL over a little hand booboo. But we're talking about Tom Brady's throwing hand. No chance the GOAT goes down without a fight.

Which will be greater: The number of arrests before and after the game, OR the number of combined QB passing yards?

Two of the NFL's most boisterous and impassioned fanbases all descend on the city whose team was knocked out of the playoffs in less-than-cordial fashion by one of the teams participating in the game. What could possibly go wrong?

But here's the thing: Minneapolis is just one portion of the equation. If last week’s celebration after the NFC Championship Game is any indication, Philadelphia might want to start preparing itself for the apocalypse. The city tried last week, greasing up the light poles in hopes that would deter people from climbing them. It didn't.

Win or lose, it’s pretty safe to say that city of Philadelphia, who will either win its first Super Bowl EVER or will lose AGAIN to the New England Patriots, is in for a colorful night. Next Sunday will either be the launchpad for a record-breaking baby boom in city of Philadelphia in September, or will set the stage for the National Guard being called into town.

Don’t forget about Boston, either. It may be tame over there if the Patriots win. But can you imagine if their Lord and Savior Tom Brady loses to a backup QB?

The pick: Brady and Foles were both incredible in the championship games, combining for 642 passing yards. Even if they duplicated those performances in the Super Bowl (unlikely), I’d take the arrests in this prop … easily. Boston and Philly fans were born for this moment.

Top image via Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports