With only three NFL games left in the season, I am all up in my feels, so buckle up buttercups, I'm in a mood.
To recap, "Joshy-Poo" Allen and Tyler "Wide Right" Norwood, I mean Bass, lost to Taylor Swift’s double-touchdown wielding boyfriend and one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.
I don’t want to hear shit about how you think everyone and their mother is better than Patrick Mahomes.
Grow up Peter Pan.
Baker Mayfield looked better than usual but still felt like he "got his heart ripped out" when the Bucs lost to a quadruple-espresso Starbucks coffee and energy drink wielding madman. Sir, no one should drink that much caffeine.
Oh, maybe Mayfield should give his heart to Dan Campbell, he's definitely going to need a new one in the near future.
But the Lions won and no one complained about the amount of times Eminem has been shown during the games.
A true Christmas miracle.
The 49ers barely scraped by against the Packers, who lost that game all by themselves because Baby Jesus hates me.
But holy Jordan Love, amiright?
And last but certainly not least, we all had the privilege of watching Lamar Jackson and C.J. Stroud in a battle of fancy pants NFL quarterback wills. What a delight.
Baltimore might have won the game to send it to the AFC Championship Game, but what really matters is that these guys won my heart.
I should stop this right now, but I won't.
So, with that delightfully and analytically incorrect recap of the NFL Divisional Round, here are the bets I'm making this weekend with a cocktail pairing for each game because, in reality, I'm just a one trick pony.
3 NFL Picks for Conference Championship Sunday
*NFL odds as of Saturday afternoon
1. Mark Andrews Anytime TD (+250) via FanDuel
Mark Andrew is expected to play against the Chiefs this Sunday.
Even though Isaiah Likely could still be a factor, I still like the potential of an anytime touchdown for Andrews.
It also makes a sick sort of sense that he comes back and goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S after I lost him in my fantasy league in Week 11.
You know what else is bananas? Blake Shelton winning the “Sexiest Man Alive” award.
Moving on …
2. Baltimore Ravens -3.5 (-115) via BetMGM
I paid some juice to grab Baltimore at -3 when it opened and still like it at -3.5.
The Ravens at home, in the rain, with a defense that ranked first in the league in sacks and turnovers, second in red-zone efficiency and third in yards allowed per play.
It's also important to note that this isn't the same explosive Kansas City offense that we’ve seen in years prior, ranking just 19th in rushing yards and 24th in turnovers.
This game is bound to have some crazy plays and lots of chaos, just how I like 'em.
Cocktail Pairing: Lavender and Lemon Martini
I get the feeling this game is going to be a real nail-biter so I'm going to need something to calm the nerves from the post binge-betting that I will inevitably do on Sunday morning.
- 2 ounces Tito’s vodka (can someone get me a Tito’s sponsorship?)
- 1 ounce fresh lemon juice. F-R-E-S-H. (It’s like B-A-N-A-N-A-S without Gwen Stefani and whatever her unattractive husband's name is.)
- 1 ounce lavender syrup (this can easily be found at places like Whole Foods, Target, Amazon and Walmart)
- 1/2 ounce orange liqueur
Combine in cocktail shaker with extra ice and shake well. Strain into glass. Add a slice of lemon rind or a sprig of thyme on top for some extra feels.
3. Detroit Lions +7.5 (-115) via PointsBet
Getting the hook off seven is one of my biggest reasons for taking the Lions. But my second reason is because I love them.
My general rule is that I don’t bet on teams that I like/love (because I'm a Washington fan and no thank you), but I just can't help it with this game.
While I must admit that the sample size is small, Brock Purdy’s postseason quarterback rating and average yards per play are lower than his regular season numbers.
Purdy has managed to overcome a multitude of obstacles throughout the past couple weeks, but the fact remains that he has still struggled.
The 49ers didn’t beat the Packers, the Packers lost that game all by themselves.
With Deebo Samuel’s shoulder injury and Kyle Shanahan's "Paddleboat Ron Rivera-like” fourth-down decision making, this game could stay close.
Throw in Detroit's lively secondary and a delightfully cracked out coach going for it on fourth and forty and I see a potential struggle for the Niners to take a significant lead in this game.
Does any of that make sense? Nope? Cool.
Cocktail Pairing: Espresso Martini
You should have seen this coming. I want to be as jacked up as Campbell’s heart rate at the start of this game.
And the only way to do that is make sure your espresso martini has REAL espresso in it. Not just coffee-flavored liquor.
- 2 ounces Tito's vodka (seriously Tito's, call me)
- ½ ounce coffee liquor
- 1 ounce fresh brewed espresso, cooled
- ½ ounce simple syrup
- Splash of cream or half and half
- Splash of chocolate bitters
Add all ingredients into the shaker with ice and shake very well. Froth for 10 seconds then pour into a martini glass, or a beer glass. I’m not your mom.
But definitely sprinkle the top with cocoa powder. Trust me.
