I’m 40. I’m not sure what I expected, but an aching back, lightning-speed wrinkle onset and a foreboding sense of impending doom and anxiety was not it.
To make matters worse, only one of those can be easily fixed.
Well, I suppose they all can be fixed with some doctor-prescribed pharmaceuticals, but I’d rather just throw money at a losing battle … my wrinkles.
And have I mentioned how painful fillers are yet? If I haven't, I definitely should.
Zero out of 10 — do not recommend.
So for this milestone birthday, I'm packing up my sense of doom and anxiety and heading (kid-free) to lovely Las Vegas.
Shocking, I know.
I purposefully held out as long as I could before deciding which weekend to go to Vegas in the hopes that I could see Aaron Rodgers and Co. beat the brakes off the Raiders.
Unfortunately, we had to make a move before the NFL schedule came out and didn’t get the weekend they play. Fortunately … no, we're not going there.
It’s still too soon for me, and I’m one more "Iliad" joke away from a full-on temper tantrum.
But I'm 40 now, and APPARENTLY temper tantrums are frowned upon at this age, even ones pertaining to future husbands who don't know they are future husbands.
Dumb rule, in my opinion.
So, in an attempt to soothe my fraying NFL nerves, I plan on making many bets this weekend.
The Action Network’s Travis Reed offending 10+ people during a five-day Las Vegas bender?
Max bet on the over, please.
I will literally turn over every stone I can to find value for this weekend.
And since my favorite stone is rock bottom, I’m gonna channel my inner Frank Reynolds and get real weird with it.
But don’t worry, these here are the good bets. The ones I love. The ones that I want to share with you so that you can live vicariously through what I'm already calling, “Christi’s Las Vegas Birthday: That time she lost her money and dignity.”
Keep the floor low my friends; you can only go up from there.
So, my husband and I, as a gambling couple, have decided to do a full-slate family and friends Sunday Funday birthday parlay.
I know, it sounds cool, but really it's just a group of bettors throwing money at something that is so square, it's embarrassing.
Err, what’s that? What kind of betting couple are we you ask? Well, my husband recently tried to pay a restaurant bill with his Caesars Rewards card.
We didn’t even notice until the server came back to our table and kindly told us, “We don’t take these gift cards, sir."
And since I’m an asshole, I really hope she tried to charge it, couldn't, then had to ask her manager why it wouldn't work.
Hysterically laughing like Mr. Burns
With that being said, I do like the NFL Week 6 slate, so here are a couple of bets I'm making.
NFL Picks for Sunday
*NFL odds as of Saturday night
Panthers (+14.5) vs. Dolphins
Gross, I know. I actually cringed just typing that out, but I have a hard time saying no any underdog this large.
Plus, my best friend Katie, who is joining our Vegas trip and sitting on the plane right next to me, said, "Well, someone has to believe in them."
It's not the greatest reason, but I'll take what I can get.
Vikings-Bears Under 44
There's some wind or some shit.
That's the sentence I hear in my head after asking Reed for his opinion about this.
But in all seriousness, I'm in on this windy under. There's even a PRO Betting System on it!
If you don't believe me, because who would, look it up.
