We're a month into the NFL season, and we might be more confused than ever with almost half the teams at .500.
We'll sort those 2-2 teams out in our NFL Power Rankings Week 5, starting with the Bills and 49ers, who are light years ahead at the top, and working our way toward the abominable Bears at the bottom. The Texans and Buccaneers are big risers this week, while the Falcons, Steelers and Bengals are big fallers.
We are almost a quarter of the way into the season and now starting to hit the bye weeks and learn a few things about these teams.
As Sunday morning in London reminded us, sometimes it's a good idea to just have a little fun and let the kid in us come out. With that said, let's let Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and the Toy Story cast take us through this week's ranks, with one quote from the franchise assigned to each team.
You're gonna see it's our des-tin-y — you've got a friend in me.
NFL Power Rankings Week 5
| 1 | 17 | ||
| 2 | 18 | ||
| 3 | 19 | ||
| 4 | 20 | ||
| 5 | 21 | ||
| 6 | 22 | ||
| 7 | 23 | ||
| 8 | 24 | ||
| 9 | 25 | ||
| 10 | 26 | ||
| 11 | 27 | ||
| 12 | 28 | ||
| 13 | 29 | ||
| 14 | 30 | ||
| 15 | 31 | ||
| 16 | 32 |
TIER I — TO INFINITY… AND BEYOND!!
1. Buffalo Bills (Last week ranking: 3)
Buzz Lightyear: 'Right now, poised at the edge of the galaxy, Emperor Zurg has been secretly building a weapon with the destructive capacity to annihilate an entire planet! I alone have information that reveals his weapon's only weakness.'
One week after the Dolphins annihilated the Broncos 70-20, the same team got housed by these Buffalo Bills with a game nearly the inverse at 48-20.
As incredible as Josh Allen was — we'll get back to him — this was about defense for me, and I mean that for both teams.
Buffalo's defense sacked Tua Tagovailoa four times and kept him off rhythm all game, taking away the middle of the field and cutting his ADOT to 5.5, nearly half of his usual. Tagovailoa had nearly double the next best quarterback in EPA entering the day and finished this game with negative EPA, a testament to how well Sean McDermott's scheme took away Miami's first option. That defense lost Tre'Davious White for the season, but still looks Super Bowl caliber.
The defense on the other side does not. This is a game Miami needed Jalen Ramsey for, and it was also a notice that Vic Fangio's two-high defensive shell may just be old news at this point. Fangio's defense was all the rage a few years ago as defenses tried to take away big plays, but with the way elite quarterbacks have adjusted to taking what's underneath, that defensive scheme is practically ripe for the picking at this point.
Allen finished 21-of-25 with 320 yards and more touchdowns (5) than incompletions (4). He had a perfect passer rating and finished in the 99th percentile at 0.84 EPA per play. Allen did anything he wanted, with Stefon Diggs lighting up Miami's non-Xavien Howard corners for six catches, 120 yards and three scores. And this time it wasn't Allen playing Superman or chucking it 50 yards every play. It was just him beating a very beatable defense, one that was supposed to be much improved and make Miami competitive in this division.
The Bills are still even odds to win the AFC East, +100 at DraftKings. That looks way short, considering this is already a two-team race and Buffalo has the head-to-head win and, you know, a defense. FTN projects Buffalo at 12.7 wins, almost two full wins ahead of Miami, and gives the Bills a 74.6% chance to win the division. You missed the buy low opportunity on Bills title futures, but the division is theirs for the taking.
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2. San Francisco 49ers (4)
Woody: 'Wait a minute. I just lit a rocket. Rockets explode!'
We probably need to have the Christian McCaffrey MVP conversation again after four touchdowns and 177 combined yards, though I'm still "Team QBs-Will-Always-Win-This".
But it's not just McCaffrey. Brandon Aiyuk had another huge line with 148 yards on six catches, and Brock Purdy was near perfect at 20-of-21 for 283 yards and an absurd 1.06 EPA per play, plus +27 CPOE. San Francisco's offense is absolutely mowing down opponents and managed to be successful on 29-of-30 series against Arizona, a jaw-dropping 96.7% Success Rate. In other words, San Francisco started a new series on first down 30 times and either picked up a first down or scored a touchdown 29 times. Pretty good.
I'm finally ready to move the 49ers into my top tier. Now, they just need to beat the Cowboys on Sunday night and stay there.
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3. Kansas City Chiefs (2)
Woody: 'You stay away from Andy. He's mine, and no one is taking him away from me.'
I'm starting to get just a teensy bit worried about the Chiefs after they blew a 17-0 lead and made Zach Wilson look like a real quarterback, but let's just hope those two weird Patrick Mahomes interceptions were just an off night. The MVP continues to be an underrated runner, and we knew the Chiefs would have a slow-ish start with the turnover on the line and at receiver.
It's never going to get too bad with Mahomes and Andy Reid around, but those OL and WR issues are starting to look glaring and Mahomes has been more great than super elite so far. Kansas City will be fine against the Vikings and Broncos next, but it's something to keep an eye on long term.
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TIER II — THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US!
4. Dallas Cowboys (6)
Buzz Lightyear: I'm proud of you, cowboy.'
The Cowboys were embarrassed after their loss to the Cardinals and took it out on the Patriots, racking up two more defensive touchdowns in a dominant 38-3 win. That's a 108-13 margin in the three wins as Dallas has run it up against the outmatched Giants, Jets and Patriots.
Up next: the San Francisco 49ers, winners of 14 straight regular season games, on Sunday night.
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5. Philadelphia Eagles (5)
Buzz Lightyear: 'Because of you, the security of this entire universe is in jeopardy!'
I continue to have real concerns about the Eagles.
Philadelphia survived in overtime to remain undefeated, but allowed 24-17 and 31-24 comebacks late. The Eagles now have relatively unimpressive one-score wins against the Patriots Vikings, and Commanders. That's not exactly a murderer's row, and it still feels like this team is trying to find its identity.
Jalen Hurts doesn't appear to be himself yet in this offense and the pass defense looks eminently beatable. Glass half full, Philadelphia is winning every game anyway! Glass half empty, let's see how everything holds up as the competition stiffens significantly in the weeks ahead. Three of the next four games are on the road, and the home game is against the Dolphins. But that's all an amuse-bouche for the Cowboys-Chiefs-Bills-49ers-Cowboys stretch starting in November.
There will be a time to fade these Eagles if things don't improve. For now, just keep winning.
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TIER III — REACH FOR THE SKY!
6. Miami Dolphins (1)
Woody: 'Buzz, come over here and tell the nice toys that you're not dead!'
Well, that one week of best-offense-in-league-history hype sure was fun.
Miami got mowed down in its prime. The offense looked great for two drives, but then it felt like Buffalo adjusted to all that speed and started attacking defensively, and the Dolphins struggled to respond. After scoring 70 points in 60 minutes last week, Miami scored just six over the final 43 in Buffalo. The Dolphins went 3-of-13 on late downs and turned it over five times, counting turnovers on downs.
Were the Dolphins found out? Not really. The line was without breakout star center Connor Williams and then lost Terron Armstead (again) mid-game, and the defense missed Jaelan Phillips badly. Miami's breakout run game was almost totally shut down, and as outlined in the Bills section, Fangio's defense got absolutely blasted. Buffalo made the Dolphins defense look like the Broncos.
There will be better days ahead, but this was a stark reality check. Miami needs its defense to catch up to the offense in a hurry, or this team might end up more like the Seven Seconds or Less Phoenix Suns, or the James Harden Houston Rockets than the mighty Golden State Warriors — all offense and no defense.
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7. Baltimore Ravens (8)
Buzz Lightyear: 'I've set my laser from stun to kill.'
Credit the Ravens for beating the opponent in front of them, but I'm not sure how much we really learned about Mike MacDonald's defense as it dominated a fifth-round rookie quarterback who was making a last-minute start for the injured Deshaun Watson.
Still, it's hard to argue with the results.
We knew Todd Monken's offense would take some time, and hanging 28 on an elite defense speaks for itself. For Baltimore to already be this good — and 3-1 — despite all the injuries and an entirely new offense, shows that the Ravens have something real cooking.
The Ravens are still even odds (+100 at Bet365) to win the division. FTN has them at 68.2%, a clear favorite with a head-to-head win over the top competition, Cleveland. That looks like a great bet, especially if you're fading Pittsburgh and Cincinnati like me.
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8. Detroit Lions (10)
The aliens: 'The claaaaaaaaaw.'
The Lions have wins over the Super Bowl champions and back-to-back dominant victories over the Falcons and Packers, two teams I've had in the top half of my Power Rankings all September as breakout NFC teams. Heck, Detroit should probably be 4-0 with a win over Seattle, too.
The Lions are starting to look the part as they're dominating in the trenches on both sides of the ball. They're playing Dan Campbell ball — tough-nosed, ankle-biting, trench warfare — shutting down the run and wearing opposing teams down with a nasty offensive line. The coaching staff has tailor-made plans to attack each opponent too. It's all coming together.
Looks like it's time to take these cats seriously.
If you're in and dreaming big, Lions futures are the best available on the board. FTN gives Detroit the fifth-best odds of reaching the Super Bowl at 16.8%, behind only the Bills, 49ers, Chiefs and Eagles. You can bet the Lions to win the NFC at +1000 (PointsBet), just 9.1% implied.
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TIER IV — YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME
9. Cleveland Browns (7)
Buzz Lightyear as Mrs. Nesbitt: 'One minute you're defending the whole galaxy, and suddenly you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette and her little sister.'
So much for that historic defense.
A 28-3 beatdown will deflate the hype in a hurry, but I'm not sure it should. The Browns offense had no chance with Dorian Thompson-Robinson at 3.4 YPA on the day and the entire attack at 2.6 yards per play, and that put the defense in a hole all afternoon.
Thompson-Robinson threw three picks, two of which put the Ravens in scoring position for quick touchdowns. Cleveland only allowed 296 yards to Baltimore, so the defense wasn't really the problem and some regression was always going to come. This was a good reality check and a reminder that the season, for better and for worse, will rests on Deshaun Watson's shoulders.
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10. Houston Texans (22)
Woody: 'Buzz! You're alive! This is great! I'm saved!'
TEXANS ISLAND IS BACK, BABY!!
A week after thrashing the Jaguars, the Texans demolished the Steelers and won those two games against presumed playoff contenders by a combined score of 67-23 — and all that despite missing more than half of their offensive line and secondary.
The Texans look absolutely awesome. C.J. Stroud had another monster game with 306 yards and 10.2 YPA, and Nico Collins has been a terror with 428 yards receiving. And now this team should start to get healthy. The offensive line returns a few bodies as soon as this week and the secondary should follow soon after.
Regular readers know I've been all-in on the Texans. I bet Houston to go worst-to-first in its division at +1100, invested in DeMeco Ryans Coach of the Year at +2500 and backed Will Anderson for Defensive Rookie of the Year at +500. I even doubled down on Houston's long shot division odds at +2500 when the Texans were 0-2.
Suddenly, Houston (2-2) is tied atop the division and looking like one of the hottest teams in football. Are we victory lapping far too soon and ranking the Texans three-to-five spots too high out of sheer exuberance? Absolutely. But is this Texans thing real? Sure looks like it.
You can still bet the Texans at +500 to win the division (Bet365) and/or Anderson +1500 for DROY (DraftKings) if you're late to the party.
And yes, it would be objectively funny if I nail the preseason Texans call, Houston wins nine games and makes the playoffs as a wild card, and the only thing they have to show for it is a Stroud OROY win, the one way I didn't bet the Texans this fall.
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11. Seattle Seahawks (14)
Buzz Lightyear: 'He's not lost. Not anymore.'
Geno Smith has been a different player entirely with the Seahawks. Don't look now, but this has become one of the best offenses in the NFL, even if Smith didn't have his best night.
Monday night was about the defense, though. Rookie Devon Witherspoon broke out in a huge way with a pair of sacks and a 97-yard pick-six. The Seahawks racked up an audacious 11 sacks on the night and held Brian Daboll's offense to three points. If Seattle can add a defense anything near this good to the offense we've seen through four weeks, it can compete with anyone.
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12. Los Angeles Chargers (9)
Rex: 'Oh, I hate all this uncertainty.'
Somehow, after all that mess, the Chargers, hilariously, are 2-2. Of course.
The Chargers have played 22 games since the start of last season, and 18 of them have finished within seven points. Every single week, this team's games come down to the wire. Of course.
This time, Justin Herbert completed only 13 passes as the Chargers ran 37 times for an awful 2.9 YPC, outside of one 51-yard breakaway. But the defense came through, forcing three turnovers, sacking the Raiders seven times and holding them to 3.8 yards per play. The Raiders were also 1-of-11 on third downs and 2-of-5 in the red zone — but still had the ball on the three in the final minutes with a chance to tie. Of course.
Brandon Staley went for it on fourth down deep in his own territory late again — another right decision, wrong play call! — and then waved Asante Samuel to slide down on what should've been a 100-yard pick-six when the game wasn't officially clinched yet. No problem! Herbert will just dial up an absolute dime 51-yarder down the left sideline to Josh Palmer to end it. As the Chargers do. Of course.
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TIER V — YOU'RE CUTE WHEN YOU CARE
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (20)
Woody: 'That wasn't flying. That was falling… with style!'
The Buccaneers are one of 10 teams above .500, but they're not exactly flying. Still, wins count, not style points.
The defense is tough and gives the team a sturdy floor, and Baker Mayfield has been surprisingly good through four games — you can decide whether that's positive news or a sign of regression to come. The Buccaneers held the division rival Saints to under 200 yards, but Derek Carr was playing hurt.
Tampa Bay's three wins have come against an injured Carr, the 1-3 Vikings and the 0-4 Bears. This week, against the Lions, is a bigger test. I'm not quite ready to believe, and I'm surprised the win total has reached 9.5 at various books. I still like the under and don't mind +110 (DraftKings) to miss the playoffs, though there's not a huge edge on either line at 3-1 in a soft division.
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14. Los Angeles Rams (15)
Chuckles: 'Never seen a kid and toy more in love.'
Matt Stafford loves his new toy, Puka Nacua.
Nacua tallied nine catches for 163 yards and scored his first touchdown on the final play, a walkoff overtime winner to salvage a blown 23-0 lead. Nacua is on pace for 166 catches and 2,129 yards, an absurd number for anyone a month in, let alone a fifth-round rookie. The target share will drop when (if) Cooper Kupp returns, but this kid is for real.
Sean McVay is in his bag again, turning a bunch of leftover linemen, along with Nacua, Tutu Atwell and Kyren Williams, into one of the better offenses in the league. Stafford leads the league in passing attempts and is second in yardage behind only Tua Tagovailoa. I played Stafford at +2200 to lead the league in yards a couple weeks ago and still like him at +1000 (FanDuel) if you want a piece of the action. Let's just hope that hip injury isn't significant.
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15. Green Bay Packers (13)
Buzz Lightyear: 'I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on any planet.'
Thursday night's chance at revenge turned into a beatdown. The Packers were nearly doubled up in yardage and time of possession and were shut down offensively until late in a second straight game. The run game was anemic and Jordan Love had his worst start as a pro. Worst of all, the Packers were embarrassed by huge swaths of Detroit fans at Lambeau Field.
So far, the Packers have a big win over the Bears, a big loss to the Lions, and a pair of coin-flip, one-point results that probably went the opposite direction they should've but netted the same result. We probably don't know much about this team yet, though escaping the opening month 2-2 with a new quarterback and a slew of key injuries isn't the worst result.
The next four games are against the Raiders, Broncos, Vikings and Rams. Left tackle David Bakhtiari is on Injured Reserve, but the rest of the team is on extra rest and getting healthy. This team needs to emerge from this stretch 5-3 or 6-2 if it's real.
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16. Indianapolis Colts (21)
Woody: 'Buzz, look, an alien!'
Sunday was not good for Indianapolis in the short term, going down 23-0 at home and losing an entire game on every other team in the division, but Colts fans have to be smiling about the long term.
Anthony Richardson is real, and he is spectacular. I mean … just look at some of these throws.
Even as someone who thought Anthony Richardson should be a top pick in the draft based on pure ceiling, be lying if I expected him to be this good already. Some of these throws are insane 😮💨. #ForTheShoepic.twitter.com/3QMk9apWna
— Kyle Lindemann (@LuckIsMadeFF) October 2, 2023
The numbers aren't great — 11-of-25 passing needs work — but Richardson continues to show outstanding pocket presence and quality decision making, two of the traits that were supposed to need some time to catch up to all of his incredible physical traits. He looks like an absolute star in the making.
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TIER VI — COME ON, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH WE'RE GOING FOR ON EBAY
17. Tennessee Titans (27)
Buzz Lightyear: 'You're mocking me, aren't you?'
The Titans appear to be outright trolling me at this point. This roster hasn't made sense to me for years and I keep waiting to write off Tennessee for good. But every time I finally pour dirt on the grave, Mike Vrabel's guys pull off another big upset. The Titans outcoached and outplayed the Bengals and have posted back-to-back 27-3 results in opposite directions.
What in the world is this team? This week's game in Indianapolis could be a good measuring stick. The Titans have won five straight in the division rivalry. If they make it six and emerge atop the AFC South through five weeks … honestly, I'm not sure what I will do with them.
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18. Jacksonville Jaguars (23)
Woody: 'You! Are! A! TOY! You aren't the real Buzz Lightyear! You're… you're an action figure! You are a child's plaything!!'
Raise your hand if you had the Jaguars last in the Power Rankings after four weeks of the 2023 season.
Jacksonville got what looked like a dominant scoreline at 23-7, but it felt underwhelming. The Jaguars recorded only 300 yards and had fairly similar counting stats to Atlanta, so the final score mostly reflects the 3-0 turnover margin in Jacksonville's favor, including a pick-six.
This Press Taylor offense still looks broken. They're not running the ball well and Trevor Lawrence was at 6.0 ADOT Sunday, which just isn't high enough. Jacksonville optimists can point to the improved defense and hope the offense comes together around Lawrence. Getting tackle Cam Robinson back from suspension this week to help this porous offensive line is a good start.
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19. New Orleans Saints (19)
Buzz Lightyear: 'You are a sad, strange little man and you have my pity.'
I could've used that quote for a handful of coaches or players, but decided on Dennis Allen, who I've now successfully bet against all four weeks.
Allen isn't good as a favorite. He's not good as an underdog. He's not good at home, or on the road. He's not good with Derek Carr or Jameis Winston. He isn't good with a box, isn't good with a fox. I wouldn't bet Allen here or there, I wouldn't bet Allen anywhere.
Sorry, wrong kid thing. Anyway, can we please move on from Dennis Allen already?
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20. Atlanta Falcons (12)
Buzz Lightyear: 'Spare me your lies, temptress! Your emperor's defeated, and I'm immune to your bewitching good looks.'
I might need to be done with the Falcons for awhile. This was one of my big sleepers heading into the season, and I gave a big vote of confidence to Arthur Smith by ranking this offense No. 8. Well, it's clear at this point that this unit is not there after six- and seven-point outings against defenses that were supposed to rank near the bottom of the league.
Desmond Ridder is awful. He leads the league in Turnover Worthy Plays, per PFF, despite barely ever having a chance to throw, and he had two interceptions and four sacks in London with a horrendous -0.86 EPA per play on early down passes against a bad secondary.
The really disappointing part is that the rest of the roster looks ready. Even in non-competitive, back-to-back losses, the defense has more than held its own, and Bijan Robinson looks like a superstar. He's still +450 (DraftKings) to win Rookie of the Year by the way, despite ranking third in rushing yards and being on pace for almost 2,000 scrimmage yards.
How does Atlanta not turn to Taylor Heinicke at this point? He makes as many mistakes as Ridder, but offers real upside and a ceiling this offense clearly doesn't have with Ridder. Smith clearly doesn't like variance, but might have to accept the risk before he loses the locker room, and maybe his job. This is still fixable.
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TIER VII — THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
21. New York Jets (18)
Bo Peep: 'Open your eyes, Woody. There's plenty of kids out there. Sometimes change can be good!'
Was that Zach Wilson performance Sunday night a sign of good things to come, or did it just set the Jets back another three weeks waiting on a quarterback decision? This is a Super Bowl caliber defense that's now made life miserable twice in four weeks for the two best quarterbacks on the planet, but we're still stuck hoping Wilson occasionally Freaky Fridays the opposing quarterback again to have any hope.
Jets ownership, I'm begging you. Wilson is not the answer. Trevor Siemian is not the answer. Go get some semblance of a real quarterback. This roster deserves it.
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22. Arizona Cardinals (24)
Woody: 'Stop it! What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it, you zealots!'
I think I'm kinda into the Cardinals?
The Cardinals keep showing up week after week and pushing opponents. You'd never know by the lopsided final score, but Arizona closed to 21-16 with a chance to pull off a second straight huge upset before San Francisco pulled away late.
The defense remains disastrous, but we need to have a conversation about Arizona offensive coordinator Drew Petzing, who is absolutely doing work with this unit. The Cardinals are top-seven in both Passing and Rushing DVOA and seventh overall, and Arizona had an 82% series Success Rate against a terrific defense. Also, Josh Dobbs continues to play like at least an average starting quarterback.
I really want to talk myself into the Cardinals as a sleeper and briefly had them five spots higher up the ranks, but the lack of talent and poor defense is too much in a stronger than expected division. Still, these zealots look like they'll keep pushing opponents week after week.
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23. Pittsburgh Steelers (17)
Mr. Potato Head: 'Did you all take stupid pills this morning?!'
So, I guess we're still doing the Matt Canada thing?
The Steelers, per Sheil Kapadia, have played 39 consecutive games under Canada without reaching 400 yards of offense. Doesn't seem like that high of a bar, right? Right. During that stretch, the other 31 teams have hit 400+ a whopping 295 times, almost 10 per team.
Pittsburgh didn't even get close Sunday. The Steelers had 225 yards and were literally doubled up by the Texans, which is honestly an indictment of both the offense and the defense, considering Houston was playing down four offensive line starters. But when the offense is this bad against Houston and its banged up secondary, it's a real problem.
Now, Kenny Pickett is also hurt. He reportedly won't be out long, but it sure would be cool if he had a different guy calling the plays the next time he stepped on the field.
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24. Minnesota Vikings (25)
Buttercup: 'There is no way out. Just kidding. Door's right over there.'
On the one hand, the Vikings defense held Carolina to six points. On the other hand, Kirk Cousins threw an awful pick-six and looked like a doofus trying and failing to chase the opponent down for 100 yards. Minnesota fans are now probably still stuck on the eternal death ride with Cousins after the Vikings accidentally came back to beat the Panthers.
Come on Minnesota, just trade Cousins to the Jets and tank. Everybody wins. There's a way out of this.
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25. Cincinnati Bengals (11)
Woody: 'This is the perfect time to panic!!'
We hung tight with the Bengals for a couple weeks, but I'm officially hitting the panic button after a 27-3 thrashing. Cincinnati had only 200 yards of offense and Joe Burrow clearly isn't healthy. His 4.7 ADOT is basically telling on itself, and the Titans knew what they were facing and came after Burrow hard.
The defense might have been even more troubling as it gave up 400 yards and was shredded by a mediocre Titans attack. Cincinnati's only real hope is that the rest of the roster is good enough to win games while Burrow slowly gets healthy, but that was far from the case Sunday and now Tee Higgins has a fractured rib.
Remember, this is the easy part of the schedule. This week, against the Cardinals, is another must-win game and Cincinnati desperately needs to get to the bye at 3-3. After that comes a stretch against the 49ers, Bills, Texans, Ravens and Steelers, and there's really not another easy game on the schedule.
I was skeptical about the Bengals coming into the season, but I didn't think it would be this ugly. Cincinnati's season might be over before November if it's not careful. Bengals unders still look mispriced.
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TIER VIII — YES SIR, WE'RE NEXT MONTH'S GARAGE SALE FODDER FOR SURE
26. New England Patriots (16)
Woody: 'What chance does a toy like me have against a Buzz Lightyear action figure?'
The Patriots just don't seem to have enough talent in some of these games. Poor New England has already come up against the Eagles, Dolphins and Cowboys, and this time the Patriots didn't keep it within one score thanks to an absolute turd of a performance from Mac Jones.
Jones threw two picks and that felt about three or four below what the day could've looked like, and the run game might have been even worse with 23 carries for 53 yards. The line hasn't gelled for a second straight year, and the defense has lost Matt Judon and Christian Gonzalez to injury.
At 1-3 in the loaded AFC, it's already looking like a lost season, and it might just be time to start over.
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27. Washington Commanders (26)
Buzz Lightyear: 'Etch, draw that man in a chicken suit.'
You're Ron Rivera. Your team, down seven as nine-point underdogs, just scored a touchdown on the last play of the game on the road against the defending NFC champions. The opposing defense is exhausted, and you have all the momentum and a chance to shock the world. Do you:
A) Go for two and the win, potentially giving your team a surprising 3-1 record and putting them atop the NFC East a month into the season?
-OR-
B) Settle for an extra point you might miss anyway and hope for a "50-50" chance in overtime on the road, then compound the moronic decision by playing prevent defense on 3rd-and-17 in overtime to allow the opponent to get into field goal range? But hey, at least you tried?
Riverboat Ron? Etch, draw that man in a chicken suit.
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28. Las Vegas Raiders (28)
Buzz Lightyear: 'And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.'
Josh McDaniels is still signed for 47 more regular season games and $27.6 million, but who's counting?
McDaniels looks lost week after week, and Sunday he had a rookie quarterback on the field looking just as clueless. Aidan O'Connell displayed zero pocket awareness, getting sacked seven times (six by former Raider Khalil Mack!) and fumbling so often that I wondered if he thought he had to dribble the ball before passing.
The Raiders are 1-3, and the one win came by scoring 17 points on a Broncos defense that's allowed 44.3 PPG in its other three games. So much for McDaniels' offensive genius.
By the way, speaking of signs of intelligent life, this franchise is still paying Jon Gruden somewhere north of $50 million more through 2028. Al Davis would be so proud.
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29. New York Giants (29)
Mr. Potato Head: 'You would not believe what I have been through tonight.'
Poor Daniel Jones had himself a night.
The Giants decided to play much of the game uptempo on Monday night and that left Jones getting hit often behind an offensive line that gave him zero protection. He finished the night with two interceptions and was sacked 10 times, though he avoided a handful of others by rushing for 66 of the team's 112 yards.
Jones's 3.3 ADOT tells the story as it's in the first percentile of all quarterback games. He just never had any time to throw, and until this team gets Andrew Thomas back and finds some blocking, the Giants are cooked.
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TIER IX — WE'RE ALL JUST TRASH WAITIN' TO BE THROWN AWAY
30. Denver Broncos (31)
Forky: 'I am not a toy. I'm a spork. I was made for soup, salad, maybe chili, and then the trash. I'm litter.'
Denver needed a wild 28-7 comeback against the worst team in the league to notch its first road win since November 2021, but the Broncos are on the board.
The Russell Wilson reclamation project has quietly gone quite well under Sean Payton, but holy smokes is this defense a disaster. It's one thing to give up 70 points to the Dolphins — and wow, was it a thing — but letting Justin Fields and the Bears slice you apart is something else entirely. Fields didn't even have an incompletion through three quarters outside of a Hail Mary!
Fire Vance Joseph into the sun. Denver's defense is far too talented to be this ungodly awful.
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31. Carolina Panthers (30)
Trixie: 'I have a question. No. Wait. I have all the questions.'
The questions are mounting for this franchise. At least the 0-4 Bears have their own draft pick and a chance to reset after the season with a possible franchise quarterback. This is the reset for Carolina, and the Panthers are supposed to have answered that quarterback question — and don't have a draft pick coming either.
So far, Bryce Young is all the questions and none of the answers, and the coaching staff looks the same. Young was sacked five times in his return from injury, once a strip-six that cost Carolina the game, and his size looks like a real issue. Young's 3.2 ADOT is laughably low and he appears to be a long ways away on the development curve.
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32. Chicago Bears (32)
Woody: 'The word I'm searching for I can't say because there's preschool toys present.'
Justin Fields had his best passing game as a pro, D.J. Moore had his best game in Chicago, Cole Kmet and Khalil Herbert were great … and the Bears lost anyway. They also watched the Panthers lose to tentatively give Chicago the No. 1 and No. 2 pick in the upcoming draft.
All things told, pretty much a perfect day for Bears fans.
When the road looks rough ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, you just remember what your old pal said: Boy, youuuu've got a friend in me.
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NFL Week 5 Power Rankings
- Buffalo Bills (Last week ranking: 3)
- San Francisco 49ers (4)
- Kansas City Chiefs (2)
- Dallas Cowboys (6)
- Philadelphia Eagles (5)
- Miami Dolphins (1)
- Baltimore Ravens (8)
- Detroit Lions (10)
- Cleveland Browns (7)
- Houston Texans (22)
- Seattle Seahawks (14)
- Los Angeles Chargers (9)
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (20)
- Los Angeles Rams (15)
- Green Bay Packers (13)
- Indianapolis Colts (21)
- Tennessee Titans (27)
- Jacksonville Jaguars (23)
- New Orleans Saints (19)
- Atlanta Falcons (12)
- New York Jets (18)
- Arizona Cardinals (24)
- Pittsburgh Steelers (17)
- Minnesota Vikings (25)
- Cincinnati Bengals (11)
- New England Patriots (16)
- Washington Commanders (26)
- Las Vegas Raiders (28)
- New York Giants (29)
- Denver Broncos (30)
- Carolina Panthers (31)
- Chicago Bears (32)
