Forget East vs. West—this year’s NBA All-Star Game is a four-team, winner-takes-whatever tournament featuring squads picked by Shaq, Chuck, Kenny, and Candace Parker.
Because what’s better than gambling on a game? Gambling on which analyst drafts the least dysfunctional team.
First to 40 points wins each round, which means defense will be as rare as a Ben Simmons three. Will the players care before the finals? Unlikely. Will someone bet on the under and regret it by halftime? Absolutely. Buckle up—this is March Madness with zero defense and unlimited heat checks. Let's bet the All-Star Game/Tournament/Whatever!
NBA All-Star Tournament Predictions
Team Shaq is facing the Rising Stars. They are not losing that. The Rising Stars cannot take out a team with Steph Curry, LeBron James, and Kevin Durant. It cannot happen. It will not happen.
I love Team Chuck in the other battle. Nikola Jokic will breeze through this, but Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is likely to go full bore and so will Victor Wembanyama.
If we parlay those moneylines for this to be the Final, we get -110. I’d love to be able to tease the spreads with a race-to-40 structure, but alas, nobody will indulge sickos like me.
So I’ll parlay those two to reach the Finals -122.
Moneyline Parlay:
- Team Shaq ML (First Round) vs. Team Candace
- Team Chuck ML (First Round) vs. Team Kenny
Parlay Payout: -122
NBA All-Star MVP Picks
Donovan Mitchell +2000: Longshots only in this one, it’s not any fun to root for the favorites. Mitchell has a chance to stamp himself as an All-Star MVP on the best team in the East. He’s got the skillset to do it, and while Shai will get his fair share of shots, and Wemby will Wemby, Mitchell could go off.
Most of my colleagues are betting Wemby at 10-1, I’ll bet that as well.
Trae Young +4000: Similar to Mitchell, Young is on the international team. He can throw lobs to Wemby, and is a better 3-point shooter in terms of volume than Shai.
All-Star MVP Picks:
- Donovan Mitchell +2000
- Trae Young +4000
- Victor Wembanyama +1000
NBA All-Star Rosters
Shaq's OGs
- LeBron James (Lakers)
- Jaylen Brown (Celtics)
- Steph Curry (Warriors)
- Kevin Durant (Suns)
- James Harden (Clippers)
- Kyrie Irving (Mavericks)
- Damian Lillard (Bucks)
- Jayson Tatum (Celtics)
- Anthony Davis (Mavericks, Out)
Coach: Shaquille O'Neal
Kenny's Young Stars
- Jalen Brunson (Knicks)
- Anthony Edwards (Timberwolves)
- Cade Cunningham (Pistons)
- Darius Garland (Cavaliers)
- Tyler Herro (Heat)
- Jaren Jackson Jr. (Grizzlies)
- Evan Mobley (Cavaliers)
- Jalen Williams (Thunder)
Coach: Kenny Smith
Chuck's Global Stars
- Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (Thunder)
- Nikola Jokic (Nuggets)
- Donovan Mitchell (Cavaliers)
- Victor Wembanyama (Spurs)
- Alperen Sengun (Rockets)
- Pascal Siakam (Pacers)
- Karl-Anthony Towns (Knicks)
- Trae Young (Hawks)
- Giannis Antetokounmpo (Bucks, Out)
Coach: Charles Barkley
Candace's Rising Stars
- Stephon Castle (Spurs)
- Dalton Knecht (Lakers)
- Jaylen Wells (Grizzlies)
- Keyonte George (Jazz)
- Zach Edey (Grizzlies)
- Trayce Jackson-Davis (Warriors)
- Ryan Dunn (Suns)
- Amen Thompson (Rockets)
Coach: Candace Parker
